By Natasha Turner
If you’re just getting wind of Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s claim that he needs a majority to fend off Quebec separatists, you’re probably wondering one of two things: How low can he go in his attempts to court the “fear vote?” And what other bogeymen are lurking out there waiting to assail his government and Canada? So far you know about Michael Ignatieff, smuggled refugees, a coalition government and criminals soon to be housed in Tory super-jails coming to a location near you. We’ve done the appropriate due diligence and have uncovered seven more direct threats to Harper and Canada that all voters need to be wary of on election day.

7. Justin Bieber
There’s no arguing that Justin Bieber’s popularity makes him a sure threat to reason and stability in the country, especially where young female voters and pubescent girls are concerned. We wager that Harper believes only his government should have this type of power over the fairer sex.

6. Bloggers and Website Publishers
As a direct threat to the Harper government’s suppression of access to information and the media, bloggers and website publishers have to be high on the list of their bogeymen. After shutting down hoax websites that parodied his government’s environmental policies using highly questionable tactics, threatening to shut down the CBC, and locking a student out of a Conservative rally because of her Facebook page, Harper and the conservatives will be gunning for a majority to squash any perceived dissent against his government. At the bull’s eye of their target: independent online enemies. Allow me to say my goodbyes and well wishes to you right now.

5. University Students
They may be the future and pay taxes the minute they get a job. But clearly Harper needs protection from those free-thinking zealots and vote mobs on Canadian campuses to have a say in elections that impact them today and in years to come. With his majority, Stephen Harper and the conservatives can strengthen their war against on-campus voting booths and put pressure on Elections Canada to disenfranchise groups of citizens at will. Oh, and they can of course go ahead and provide subsidies only for medical and nursing students in rural areas — professionals who make some of the highest incomes once they graduate — while leaving other graduates with lower income potential to cope with big student debts. There’s a lesson in higher learning for you.

4. Miscarriages
As Harper and his conservatives are so unoriginal and so bent on stealing every tactic from right-wing extremists south of the border, we figured it would only be a matter of time before he foresees the threat of miscarriages. His next step? To gain a majority so he can criminalize it as Republican Bobby Franklin from Georgia wants to do in the U.S. Our suggestion? Vote for another party so they can win a majority or form a coalition and consider criminalizing male sterility and impotence.

3. First Nations
After being forced to make a half-assed apology to First Nations people for the many atrocities they faced under colonial rule — which apparently never existed according to Harper at a press conference in Pittsburgh announcing Canada’s hosting the G20 meeting — Harper would welcome a majority to be sure to keep them in check. Say goodbye to the right to challenge land claims, protect your lands and any hope of the Conservatives signing the UN Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples and hello to more funding cuts to essential Aboriginal social programs such as Sisters in Spirit.

2. Natural Disasters
Initial thoughts of major disasters turn to places such as New Orleans, Japan and Pakistan. But, as we’ve seen on the east coast and in Manitoba, Canada is not immune to Mother Nature’s fury. With a majority, Stephen Harper finally can put those fighter jets your great-grandchildren will be paying for to good use and give that MoNo a run for her money.

1. Women
Forget bogeymen, the real threats to Harper, Conservatives and Canada are bogeywomen. Libyans, Michael Ignatieff and smuggled refugees arriving by boat haven’t faced half the wrath Canadian women have faced under Conservative rule. A majority government will finally give Harper the ultimate power he needs to fend off that left-wing fringe group. Expect more funding cuts to women’s groups that have been spared till now so the Tories can ensure women get back to the kitchen, birthing babies, standing by their men and “shutting the f&!k up.”

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